Tribute to Jeffrey Parker Spencer

As we have arrived at the one year mark of Jeff's passing, I felt today would be an appropriate day to pay tribute to the man so many love...

Jeffrey Parker Spencer is easily remembered for his teddy bear hugs that would wrap you up completely making you feel safe, his amazing ability to brighten any room that he entered, his big smile that was inviting to all, his fun-contagious and magnetic personality, but most importantly is his big heart that had the capacity to love each person he met. His love effortlessly spilled out to everyone. Many lives were forever touched and blessed after meeting Jeff.

I know my life was forever blessed for the opportunity I had to experience that love to the magnitude that I did and as his wife I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! He loved me unconditionally! He loved me without question, without doubt and without hesitation. He was the man that understood me, comforted me, made me feel safe but most importantly taught me how to love in return! I learned to love in the same capacity as he did and for that I am eternally grateful! Jeff was a one of a kind husband, friend, and companion. He was my EVERYTHING!

As I reflect back on the year, I feel grateful for the privilege to have shared those 13 months of joy, accomplishments, and love. If asked to do it all over again I would in a heartbeat-without hesitation! Jeffrey Parker Spencer I love you with ever fiber of my being!

Words cannot describe how much you are missed and though you may only be physically gone you will forever live on in the hearts of many!

Statistics

I came across some statistics while reading The Grief Club by Melody Beattie and felt like I should share them...this book was published in 2006 so they are already 4 years old and I am sure the numbers have increased.

*The official number of suicides in the United States is approximately 30,000 a year but the actual number may be three to five times higher because many suicides go unreported.

*Suicide affects all ages, races, and genders.

*Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S.

*Most people have had casual thoughts of suicide.

*People coming from a family where someone has killed him or herself are several times more likely to commit suicide.

*Of the 30,000 annual reported suicides, 24,000 are men.

These statistics are much higher than they should be! I put these out here to give us all something to think about and make people aware! Please hug your families a little tighter, never get tired of saying I love you, and follow your instinct to call your neighbor, friend or loved ones! No one should ever have to experience the pain that suicide causes for so many people! Don't let it be too late!

Riding the Wave

When I created this blog it was to give me a place to write how I feel and get out the feelings I don't know what else to do with. Well this weekend was one of the worst I have had in along time and several times I sat to write how I felt and it wouldn't come out! Now that I have somewhat calmed down inside and collected my thoughts I will try to put into words how I felt...This might sound really sick but sometimes I wish that I could have suffered a physical trauma rather than an emotional/mental trauma. For example, if I would have lost my legs I would be able to pin point the exact losses I would have, I could see exactly what my limitations are and other people would be able to see how much my life would be affected by the new physical disability. Right now I deal with unexpected losses, grief, and continual trauma that I have no idea when any of it will surface, I can not see my limitations so I push and push and push myself until I almost burst because if I can't see the limitations how could anyone else, and there is not one area of my life that has been affected by this trauma and it is almost impossible to explain it to people who have never been where I have been. With that being said, I have no idea what it would be like to lose my legs and I am not even saying the situations are comparable but in my grief-stricken head it makes sense. Also, this weekend I experienced such severe internal, breath restricting, panic filled pain that I would have wished for anything to take it away...I think I got the smallest fraction of a taste of what people who take their lives or hurt themselves go through because any physical pain seems SO much easier to handle than the terrible emotional/mental pain that I was going through!
Grief is all encompassing, suffocating, smothering, restricting and very unpredictable! My only option is to ride the wave of emotions and to let them circulate through me and then learn and grow from them. Of course the learning and growing comes when I am once again on top of the wave but during the drowning wave all I can do is hold on for dear life!

Our Wedding Dance

For some strange reason this song keeps appearing on my shuffles so I decided I needed to share it. At our wedding reception, Jeff and I wanted to share a dance together, a dance that symbolized so much more than the love we shared. As we approached the dance floor the sounds of So Close by Jon McLaughlin began to play and a flood of emotions filled my mind. As we swayed together I couldn't help but smile at the fact that I was so close to my best friend, so safe, so happy, so peaceful, so relieved, so close to the famous happy end and so in love!
Now as I am listening to this song, new meanings and new emotions are flooding my thoughts. "How could I face that faceless day if I were to loose you now?" On our blissful wedding day I would have never imagined that I would be facing that faceless day by loosing the man who I was so close to.
But wait! How about switching the words around...so far, so far but still so close! The irony of this song has just left me speechless because I am blessed enough to still feel him close. Even though I am not in Jeff's arms and I am not physically close to him, I know and believe that he is still just as close to me as he was on our wonderful wedding day.

Time Flies

I am continuously amazed at how many changes my life is making and how fast time is flying by. I recently experienced the 10 month anniversary and still seem so shocked when I realize all that I have been through in such a short time. I have buried my husband, moved out of the house, sold ALOT of our stuff, dropped out of school, started back at school and now have an anticipated graduation date, gone full time at work, have had a front row seat for what it means to be a grown up, most importantly I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father. Never before has my testimony grown so quickly but yet so surely. I know that Heavenly Father loves each of us and is aware of us. Even though this evolving experience has been tragic and heartbreaking, I have already learned so much about my self and about others. This experience is already stretching and trying me in a way that I never have been before and I am sure that one day I will be completely grateful for the positive changes that has come from this. Yes the pain is still real, the hurt is still there, and the loneliness is sometimes totally encompassing but the sun still shines, I still have the opportunity to wake up each morning, and I still have the love of family and friends. I am understanding the term of "refiners fire" a little more each day. The conclusion that I have come to is that I am going to let this experience refine me but not define me. I am becoming a different person each day but I have decided that I don't want to be looked at as the girl that "lost her husband". I want to be the girl that can come out strong and on top of this devastating adversity and stand as a witness of the many amazing blessings of the gospel. I never in a million years ever dreamed of being where I am at age 25 but fate has decided this course for me and I am just trying to face each new adventure face forward with a smile. I have placed my life in the hands of the Lord and am just waiting to see what lies ahead for me!

The Start of Something New

As of September 9, 2009 my view of normal was completely turned upside down. Now I am just trying to do what I can to replant my feet and establish any form of normalcy that I can. My new journey has already taken me places I would have never imagined. Recently I feel as if my life is like a roller coaster...keep your feet and arms in the ride at all times and try to endure the ride! Some days the ride goes too fast and I would do anything to be able to stop it. Other days I immerse myself in the beauty of the rainbow that always appears after the rain!