Riding the Wave

When I created this blog it was to give me a place to write how I feel and get out the feelings I don't know what else to do with. Well this weekend was one of the worst I have had in along time and several times I sat to write how I felt and it wouldn't come out! Now that I have somewhat calmed down inside and collected my thoughts I will try to put into words how I felt...This might sound really sick but sometimes I wish that I could have suffered a physical trauma rather than an emotional/mental trauma. For example, if I would have lost my legs I would be able to pin point the exact losses I would have, I could see exactly what my limitations are and other people would be able to see how much my life would be affected by the new physical disability. Right now I deal with unexpected losses, grief, and continual trauma that I have no idea when any of it will surface, I can not see my limitations so I push and push and push myself until I almost burst because if I can't see the limitations how could anyone else, and there is not one area of my life that has been affected by this trauma and it is almost impossible to explain it to people who have never been where I have been. With that being said, I have no idea what it would be like to lose my legs and I am not even saying the situations are comparable but in my grief-stricken head it makes sense. Also, this weekend I experienced such severe internal, breath restricting, panic filled pain that I would have wished for anything to take it away...I think I got the smallest fraction of a taste of what people who take their lives or hurt themselves go through because any physical pain seems SO much easier to handle than the terrible emotional/mental pain that I was going through!
Grief is all encompassing, suffocating, smothering, restricting and very unpredictable! My only option is to ride the wave of emotions and to let them circulate through me and then learn and grow from them. Of course the learning and growing comes when I am once again on top of the wave but during the drowning wave all I can do is hold on for dear life!

Our Wedding Dance

For some strange reason this song keeps appearing on my shuffles so I decided I needed to share it. At our wedding reception, Jeff and I wanted to share a dance together, a dance that symbolized so much more than the love we shared. As we approached the dance floor the sounds of So Close by Jon McLaughlin began to play and a flood of emotions filled my mind. As we swayed together I couldn't help but smile at the fact that I was so close to my best friend, so safe, so happy, so peaceful, so relieved, so close to the famous happy end and so in love!
Now as I am listening to this song, new meanings and new emotions are flooding my thoughts. "How could I face that faceless day if I were to loose you now?" On our blissful wedding day I would have never imagined that I would be facing that faceless day by loosing the man who I was so close to.
But wait! How about switching the words around...so far, so far but still so close! The irony of this song has just left me speechless because I am blessed enough to still feel him close. Even though I am not in Jeff's arms and I am not physically close to him, I know and believe that he is still just as close to me as he was on our wonderful wedding day.

Time Flies

I am continuously amazed at how many changes my life is making and how fast time is flying by. I recently experienced the 10 month anniversary and still seem so shocked when I realize all that I have been through in such a short time. I have buried my husband, moved out of the house, sold ALOT of our stuff, dropped out of school, started back at school and now have an anticipated graduation date, gone full time at work, have had a front row seat for what it means to be a grown up, most importantly I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father. Never before has my testimony grown so quickly but yet so surely. I know that Heavenly Father loves each of us and is aware of us. Even though this evolving experience has been tragic and heartbreaking, I have already learned so much about my self and about others. This experience is already stretching and trying me in a way that I never have been before and I am sure that one day I will be completely grateful for the positive changes that has come from this. Yes the pain is still real, the hurt is still there, and the loneliness is sometimes totally encompassing but the sun still shines, I still have the opportunity to wake up each morning, and I still have the love of family and friends. I am understanding the term of "refiners fire" a little more each day. The conclusion that I have come to is that I am going to let this experience refine me but not define me. I am becoming a different person each day but I have decided that I don't want to be looked at as the girl that "lost her husband". I want to be the girl that can come out strong and on top of this devastating adversity and stand as a witness of the many amazing blessings of the gospel. I never in a million years ever dreamed of being where I am at age 25 but fate has decided this course for me and I am just trying to face each new adventure face forward with a smile. I have placed my life in the hands of the Lord and am just waiting to see what lies ahead for me!